Darlan Flame (darlan) wrote,
Darlan Flame
darlan

Modern Arcades, The Dance Clubs of the Future

Just the other day I went down to Gameworks, a giant arcade down here in Vegas, and spent three hours catching up on the arcade games of today. And all I can say, is huh?

I remember back in the day, when side scrollers and fighting games ruled the arcade. The occasional shooter game was also a hit. Violence prevailed everywhere, with games like Mortal combat having masters who hung out there like a crackhead around the latest coke shipment. I personally wasn't a grand master, but I was one of the more grizzled arcade vets. I could own you with Sub-Zero and beat Area 51 on a single quarter. But the main fact was, there was mother fucking violence.

When the fuck did all this change?

When I pulled into the fucking arcade, I noticed something wrong right off the bat. I couldn't find a single damn fighting, shooting, or sidescrolling game. As far as the eye can see there was mearly racing games and other sissy crap. From my vantage point at the enterance of the arcade, I couldn't see a single fucker getting blown away. It was terrible. After that I hid in a closet and cried for ten minutes before finally getting my three hour pass and going on a search for violence.

As is turns out, all the violent games were hidden in the back behind a secret wall, a series of potentially leathal traps, and a huge burly man with an ax. After adventuring to the place of my heritige I was delt more damage than good. The selection was good, yes. But the amount of people around the games was simply terrible. It was probably me and three other people back there, and I was the only person who rocked. As It turned out, everyone else was hanging out at the DDR machine. Now I have never played DDR, and I probably never will. My thing is blowing stuff away, not dancing to a beat. Unfortunatly, I'm the only person left who is like this. The DDR machine had a crowd that could rival many Rock concerts, and everyone was watching the latest guy who had memorized all the songs and could do it backwards on his hands with his eyes closed. People LOVE this game. They fucking dance dance their mother fucking asses off. Hey assholes, why not go to a mother fucking dance club? I mean since when did arcades turn into a fucking riverdance show? Pathetic.

I beat time crisis and pulled in only a few seconds behind the top guy, but nobody cared, although I was slaughtering at an insane rate. I was almost finished when my soul was pumped up with masculenity by the combined digital spirits of Contra 3, Solid Snake, and Dante. In my hands they placed a magical auto-shotgun of sissy killing (powered by bullets of Fuck You Asshole) and told me to "go forth and destroy the wretched creatues who had abandoned the path of light" From there I set a straight path to the DDR machine, and blew away the asshole playing it right when he was in the middle of a backflip or something. From there I turned the arcade from "sissy dancing land" to "Badass Blood Bath 20 02". When I finally stopped firing there were legs and heads and arms everywhere. I baby landed on my head, so I ate it, just to serve as an example to others. From there I took all the broken pieces of the DDR machine and all the body parts that weren't liquified from all the shooting and erected them into a kick ass giant statue of Sub Zero doing that head, spinal cord rip out from the original mortal combat. Oh man, it was so sweet looking that I puked my pants. Yeah, it really kicked alot of ass.

So yeah, Arcades have really stopped being the becons of death and destruction we once knew them as and are now race tracks and Dance Clubs. Hell, there were girls all over in their "go to clubs looking like a slut so a guy can screw me" ourfits and all sorts of "thugs" picking up on the sluts. It was sickening. The good ole arcade days are gone, and next time I'm just staying home and playing Half Life instead.

Oh, and If there is ever a red haired drunk coming towards you on a DDR machine waving a shotgun and screaming "For Pac-Man!" I do suggest you run away, very, very fast.
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